Hello.  I'm Jack Webb.

In a seedy orphanage in Hell's Rec Room, Fairfax, a creepy, square headed little boy named Marion Kvirschitzh recited filthy limericks for beer.  Graduating to Vaudeville and the Burlesque Houses, he changed his name to "Johnny Cook" and won national fame as one of Arthur Godfrey's Seven Little Pricks.  

His transition to television in the oppressive 50's was short circuited when he was blacklisted due to his communism, filthy material, and webbed fingers.  Wandering the "chitlin' circuit", Johnny cashed in on the folk craze of the era.  When his regional hit Worried  landed him a spot on the Jack Paar show, his comeback ended in disaster when he was dragged offstage after stopping mid-song and repeatedly  screaming, "Attention America - Hugh Downs is a Jew!"

Next came The British Invasion, irrelevance, and Johnny's well documented spiral into addictions to:
Alcohol
Aunt Hazel
Bazooka
Bo-Bo
Bolivian Marching Powder
California Cornflakes
Chiba Chiba
Chinese Molasses
Dinky Dow
Ditch Weed
Dummy Dust
Glue
Gorilla Pills
Gungun
Idiot Pills
Mexican Mud
Monkey Dust
Rambo
Scag
Skunk
Stink Weed
Whippets
White Tornado
Wobble Weed

and more venereal diseases than the Korean Navy.

But now he's escaped from court-ordered rehab and is on the comeback trail!  Performing for beer.